Monday, December 29, 2008
Check it out. Seventy degrees Fahrenheit for almost 24 hours. Suddenly, within a few hours after this period, it drops to thirty degrees. Somewhere between these extremes, we get hit with freezing rain. The result of this produces a quarter inch glaze of ice on the interstate highways. Dozens of accidents and traffic jams all across the tri-state area pop up faster than you can say, "Oh my God, that crazy bastard in the vehicle up ahead of me is going the speed of light." Then, if you're an even bigger moron, you cry out loud, "Let's try to catch them!"
And then you do catch up to Idiot Number One. Instantly, you crash, joining him or her in a horrendously bloody seven car pile up. When metal meets flesh, it's always a grand time. Hooray. Hooray.... and then some.
But, not really.
People seem to be their dumbest when weather conditions are at their worst.
Let's see. What was the point I was making here? My train of thought has derailed. Oh, yeah.
Unfortunately, I had to get out in all this muck because the wife and I fell behind in the ol' Christmas Is Here, We Have To Prepare And Make like Rabid Pit Bulls Department.
While my wife was at work, I was in a hurry to get to the grocery store. I wanted to get there before the freezing rain came down that night. I had to get a bunch of stuff for the Christmas dinner party my wife and I were going to do for the family. I had my list. I had my coat on. I thought I was good to go.
I get to the new Kroger's Store. Get my grocery cart. Looking at my list in hand and running over the heels of customers in the store, I make my way through about six or seven aisles. Strangely enough, as I roll by some customers, I'm surprised to discover they are smiling at me. Showing teeth and everything. Being the paranoid bastard I so charmingly have become, I begin to wonder why. Usually, people scowl and sometimes, grimace toward me. I think they're just jealous of my good looks. I smile back at them.
Hahaha. And then some.
Eventually, I hear the clank-clank-clank of metal against metal. I look down. I can't believe my belt is completely unbuckled. I can't believe I couldn't hear my damned belt buckle hitting the back of my cart. Only the top button on my pants are fastened. The only force field keeping my junk from falling out are my tighty whiteys. Darn it. Forgot to wear the fuzzy thong. Wait a minute. That's my ass hair!
Anyway, that's why these freaks were gazing upon me and smiling like loons. They thought I was nuts. Or a molester or flasher or something. I wonder what they thought when they saw me smiling back at them.
Me-Me from The Screaming Me-Me twisted my arm and threatened to cut off my junk unless I put up this post. Gosh. How violent.
For more information on my ass hair, check out http://psychocarnival.blogspot.com/2008/12/nostril-hair-and-cock-eyed-folks.html
You will be richly rewarded.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I WONDER WHERE THAT PERSON'S HAND HAS BEEN BEFORE I SHOOK IT. THAT HAND COULD HAVE BEEN SCRATCHING THAT PERSON'S GREASY HEAD, SWEATY ARMPIT, ACNE SPECKLED BACK OR WRINKLY NUT SACK BEFORE IT TOUCHED MY UNTAINTED, UNDEFILED APPENDAGE.
Have you ever.... been on a wild roller coaster at an amusement park and wonder what it would be like if the coaster you were riding suddenly became unhinged, flew off the track, tumbled downward, over and over, then crushed a bunch of people below into paste, who just recently had been pointing up into the air, shrieking toward your oncoming ride instead of getting the freaking hell out of the way?
Have you ever.... stabbed a frog in the belly with a tree limb and put it over a campfire just to hear it scream? I have. And I sometimes think of that time with regret, especially when I eat frog legs. Mmmmmm.
Have you ever.... heard of a government that would give the wealthiest corporations and banks in the world hundreds of billions of dollars without finding out how the taxpayer's money was spent after the "loan" or "bailout" or "scam"?
Not until about a month ago. Why? What's wrong with that kind of thinking? Where's your anger? Or blind obedience? Heh heh.
Have you ever.... heard of a mother that has purposely given birth to 18 children? I have. She's the mother of the Duggar family from Arkansas. Click this link for more info on that. Since this last little blessing has dropped into this family's life, I have often wondered if this woman somehow believes herself to be a human vending machine, or perhaps, she feels that her vagina is a clown car and has cheerfully opted to force her ever widening clown car door to pop out as many little hairless clowns as it can.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I've had fun. I'm serious now. Puh-puh-please believe me. (stuttering problem)
As an added bonus, I've met (not in persons) many bloggers that I call friends. And they're the best kind of friends, too. They laugh at some of your jokes and won't ask for money. Can't beat that with a paraplegic midget. But please call me over when you're about to try. Buh-dum-bum.
The first blogger I befriended was Sy from The Wheel Is Turning But The Hamster Is Dead . He's got a real flair for humor. The funny kind. And a good guy, from what I can tell (Hmmmm). And he's British so he talks funny. (Just kiddin' mister Sy) Seriously, Sy and I were crackin' each other up (with sledgehammers) all the way back to the days of bloggerforum. Thanks, Sy. Check out his damned site for damned laughs. Damn it.
Since then, I've made a crap load of buds from other blogs. Some are still kickin' it with their blogs. Some have disappeared into the mystery hole where bloggers lose their way or get terminal writer's block or they're kidnapped by an old drugged out carnie, named Hank, of course, with a massive booger hanging out his left nostril and hands drenched with goo.
Look to my right column. It would be the one on the right. Where it says, Check Out These Blogs Or Suffer Horribly. Okay. Now, do yourself a favor and check all of them out. Or you will suffer horribly. Really. Seriously, all these people running these blogs provide nothing but top quality laughs, entertainment and information. They're the best. I would call them friends. Damo, from Angry Clown is throwing up even as I write this. Good.
To me a blog is an amazing way to express your thoughts. It's a more distinct, clearer way, for certain. The details are in the words, folks. It's one of the true benefits of writing out your ideas. I've gained infinite (well, not really infinite) amounts of wisdom, laughs and whatnot while blogging with you folks. I hope you've gotten at least a teeny tiny bit of something from me. (not that funky stuff)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR'
12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.
*This was forwarded to the wife and I from her co-worker. I placed it here due to me having an annoying case of writer's block. I would apologize but I'm not that sensitive.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
For that reason-and many more-I'm surprised she agreed, years later, to marry me. But I digress.
Anyway, her mom convinced her to sit on Santa's lap that year in our town's Santa's Castle. My wife had told her she really didn't feel like it. Santa's Castle was basically a red and white shed on wheels. It kind of resembled a castle. If you squinted long enough at it and drank enough tequila.
Santa promted her to come forward, noticing she was embarrassed and a little nervous. Finally, she got the nerve and sat on his lap. Lo and behold, my wife said she felt Santa's North Pole bumping into her butt crack. She was so shocked and frightened by this, she quickly got off jolly ol' St. Nick's lap, posthaste. When she turned around, sure enough, he was saying, "Ho ho
ho" while "pitchin' a tent" in his festive red pants.
She also said she could smell the alcohol on his breath during the short time she was on his lap.
I forgot to ask her if Santa inquired as to why she got off before he had the chance to ask her what she wanted. Maybe he figured it out in his drunken stupor.
She never thought of anybody in a Santa suit quite the same way since. She laughs about that incident now. I'm glad. Heh heh.
Monday, December 8, 2008
This link was given to me, with gratitude, by Static. Check out this crazy guy's website here
Sunday, December 7, 2008
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. " Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here. " Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
This joke made me laugh. It also got me to thinking why, in this society, is it easier to accept a guy getting kicked between the legs as humor- but not a woman.
America's Funniest Home Video's bread and butter is their endless collection of clips of people getting hurt. About half of those are of guys receiving a wallop to the berries. This almost always garners a laugh from the audience and some people sitting at home, watching.
Men may laugh but they also wince. We know what it's like to get our nuts crunched. It's quite excruciating. Rarely do you see a woman getting a kick or swift whack to the coochie in those clips. I guess it's somehow not as funny in tv land so it isn't shown. From what I've been told by a couple females I know, it hurts like hell when they take a hit to the love pocket.
But why is it "funnier" to show a man getting hurt instead of a woman? Seems sexist to me. What do you think?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
What really drops my jaw is when he munches on something that's still alive. One time, I watched Andy eat a large, plump spider that was writhing in agony as he bit into it.
I wonder if this guy has a girlfriend: A girlfriend willing to kiss him after some of the repulsive crap he has shoved between his lips for the sake of a tv show.
To be fair, I'm sure there are folks around the world who are equally repulsed/fascinated by the some of the things we eat here in America. Perhaps they're shocked about our consuming of beef. Maybe it's venison. It could be a lot of things.
My sister tried breaded rattlesnake when the family traveled to Wyoming one year. I've had alligator meat. Tastes like chicken. Ha ha. I've chowed down on buffalo burgers and squirrel, too.
After doing some research, I've found out more about what people on this planet consider digestible. I've provided a list of some of the most shocking "edibles" for you to enjoy. Bon appetite!
Maggot Cheese (Italy)
During the aging process, a fly called Piophila casei deposits its eggs on the cheese. When the maggots are born, they move throughout the cheese, excreting enzymes that give it an overwhelmingly pungent smell, a rotten taste, and a soft, creamy texture.
Ox Penis (Asia)
The penis is generally cooked by steaming or deep frying, and can also be eaten raw.
Rats (various parts of the world)
Balut-Duck Fetus (Philippines, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand)
Jellied Cow's Foot (Poland)
Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of this for you to drool over. I hope this recipe helps you, though.
Buy a cow's foot in a butcher shop, chop it up and cook for hours & hours in water with spices, garlic, salt, pepper, etc. It is a good idea to evacuate the house during cooking time to avoid the overwhelming smell. Then pour this mess into a large flat pan and refrigerate. It sets to a nice translucent grey jelly with a layer of fat on top. Cut into large cubes and serve with lots of horseradish to kill the taste.
Blood Dumplings (Sweden)
Sorry, no picture of that available either. But here's what it is made of:
It's made of flour, reindeer blood and salt, served with bacon, butter and lingonberry jam. Cooked or fried. Yummy!
Baby Bees (Japan)
Monkey Brains (China)
Hu-Hu Grubs (New Zealand)
As an added bonus, I've included this link to a woman who cooks human placentas and even has a "special" recipe for it. I bet your mouth is watering already. Check it out if you have the guts.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I'm also sure you heard, read or saw the news about the 2000 customers that crushed and killed the Walmart employee during their Friday Blitz Sale in New York. The greedy idiots, at five in the morning, crumpled the doorway to the store and crushed Jdimytai Damour before he could get out of the way. I know I'm late in the game in talking about this, but I believe this is another fine example of people being cold blooded and outrageously nutty. It needs to be thrown in our collective faces and we need to learn from this disturbing story.
When the cops came to investigate what happened at the store, the disgusting freaks couldn't care less.
Kimberly Cribbs, who witnessed the stampede, said shoppers were acting like "savages."
"When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling `I've been on line since yesterday morning,'" she said. "They kept shopping."
The only thing these selfish morons cared about was how fast they could get the cheap, crappy made TV (or some other useless item) on sale before the store ran out of stock.
There are many incidents like this, where somebody has either been killed or seriously injured during the holidays or any other time due to the selfishness and greed of people. It angers me because it shows how ignorant, cruel and impatient the hairless monkeys on this planet truly are. If I ever see somebody acting this way, in order to get a piece of crap (or whatever) in a store, I'm going to take a sledgehammer to their freaking skull. I'll have to purchase one first because I won't have it handy on me but I will.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Most everybody contributed something to the festivities. Could have been food. Could have been an alcoholic concoction. Could have been a funny joke or story. Could have been a jab to the kidneys. Who knows?
It was a great time. Got to talk to friends I hadn't seen for half a year to a year. We talked about politics, idiotic thieves, throwing friends in the bonfire and -wait- Did I just say throwing friends in the bonfire? Well, we talked about it. There was a time when we would all get nice n' fucked up and actually tried sending a friend or two into the flames of hell. One of them, in particular, was Gerk. Throughout the years, he's been singed by the fire a good number of times during our parties. Either his feet or his crotch have tasted the heat of the fire every now and then. Oh, how he'd scream. Heh heh. Yes, good times.
Sometimes, we would set unopened cans of baked beans or whatever we could find upon the hot coals in the pit. Sure enough, they would explode, sending shrapnel and showers of bubbling hot bean particles upon our drunken asses. Before the impending explosions, a few of us would run behind trees. Others would flee behind the huge propane tank that sits only twenty feet away from the fire pit. Some of waited patiently for the blast to hit us in the face. The anticipation was as thick as crusty pudding.
Pass the whisky and moonshine please. Don't want ta be feelin' it. Ka-Pow!
But we're all old now. Our tribe of friends are in their late thirties to mid 40's. We've outgrown those stunts, for the most part. Kind of sad. Kind of expected. Now we only make threats of roasting Gerk in the fire. He laughs nowadays, knowing he is safe from that scenario. That, too, is sad. I miss all of us chasing him down, viciously grabbing hold of every wriggling limb and carrying him to the pit.
Aside from all that, it was a relaxing evening this past Saturday. My friends and I sat close to the fire, watching it, mesmerised by the flames. It was cold. Around 20 something degrees. But that didn't matter. All that matters is telling old stories, sharing laughs with friends and watching the fire.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
My take on the video's plot is this: Guy receives the gift of music and then uses it to gain fame and fortune. Eventually, he becomes corrupted by the music business. Then, as fast as all that was good happened to him, it is all taken away.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Check out the rest of this story.
Listen to this:
This criminal/rapper, Rico Wright, shot Chad Blue once in the thigh and once in the groin. Later, Wright wrote a song describing the shooting and calling out the victim (Blue) by name. Real smart, Rico.
Chad Blue, 28, told police he had known Wright before the September 2006 shooting, but that the men weren't friendly.
Gee. Ya think?
Later, Blue explained to police he recognized Rico's voice on a CD, singing "Chad Blue knows how I shoot." Smart title.
Monday, a judge sentenced Rico The Rap Genius to spend the next 20 years in prison after his victim made it known to the cops about Rico's hip hop confession. Wright was sentenced to 20 years for two counts of aggravated assault. He will spend another 20 years on probation.
I say Rico should be neutered on top of getting 20 years in the clink. Why? So he can't add his "stupid angry man" genes to the gene pool, of course.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
By the way, I've been a Keebler Cookie Inspector in the past. I worked 3rd shift from 10pm to 8am. During that time, I had to watch millions of cookies go down a conveyor belt and quickly remove the ones that didn't have enough chocolate coating on them. It drove me insane!
NOW--ON WITH THE LIST....
What they do: Build customized coffins, ranging from simple pine caskets to bejeweled boxes.
Potato Chip Inspector
What they do: Oversee potato chips on an assembly line and check for overcooked or clumped chips to discard.
Wax Figure Maker
What they do: Mold wax to create figures, often, but not limited to, the human form. Figures are often made in the likeness of people who have achieved historical or celebrity recognition.
What they do: Work as a "parts model," modeling their feet for advertisements that feature footwear, lotions and other related-products.
Golf Ball Diver
What they do: Search the depths of golf course bodies of water to find lost golf balls to refinish and resell.
What they do: Repair, repaint and reassemble doll parts to doctor-up dolls that have missing, broken or damaged parts.
What they do: Examine eggs for cracks and other irregularities before they are graded and stamped for approval.
Knife Thrower's Assistant
What they do: Act as human targets for the knife thrower, which can involve mastering feats such as being tied to a spinning wheel while having knives thrown within inches of their bodies, or having objects cut above their heads.
What they do: Use random items and whatever else they can find to create and record the noises used to make the sounds effects in films, such as heavy footsteps, rolling thunder or creaking doors.
What they do: Listen to recorded music and monitor notes in indistinguishable compositions.
What they do: Collect and analyze ice crystals in snow to study the effects of pollution on area snowfall.
What they do: Create and fit hair pieces such as wigs, beards, mustaches and eyebrows for clients requesting hair for costume or personal needs.
Gross Stunt Producer
What they do: Create new ways to gross out contestants on television shows, using insects, animal products and other things considered that could be considered "gross" by society's standards.
What they do: Entertain crowds as an underwater performer.
What they do: Drink and explain the proper ways to serve and savor various whiskeys.
Dog Food Tester
What they do: Taste and analyze dog food samples and write reviews on the results.
What they do: Gather discarded wood from trash bins, beaches, construction scrap heaps and similar areas to expertly build bonfires.
What they do: Inspect dice used in casinos for lopsided angles, misspotting and other blemishes that could cause error when the dice are rolled for gambling purposes.
What they do: Research and study single groups of human behavior through fieldwork, observing and questioning participants.
What they do: Remove gum stuck to sidewalks, street benches and other unwanted areas by de-sticking the gum through a steaming process.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
When I was a kid, I had, at different times of Halloween, dressed up as a robot, a ghost, Batman, a vampire and other things. During drunken Halloween parties, years later, I dressed up as a Jamaican man, a genie, a woman, a priest and I forget what else. I've been neglectful on the upkeep of my brain cells.
My first costume, a ghost, was a bad mistake.
It was my first trick-or-treating experience as a wee lad. I was nervous. I had never gone up to a total stranger's door and ask for candy. Nowadays, I would do it with a song in my heart and a lump in my pants. My sweet Auntie Kay, about four years older than I, grabbed my hand and took me on a walking tour of various neighborhoods. She was in a hurry, too. I could tell by the way she dragged me along the sidewalks at a speed that would make a cheetah envious. I don't think she liked the idea of being saddled down with a kid to look after the whole night. Heh heh. Oh well.
Anyhoo, the goddamn ghost bed sheet caused me to have all manner of fits. For one thing, I couldn't see out of it. The goddamn eye holes weren't big enough and were in the wrong place for me to see. Secondly, the sheet was too long. I must have stumbled, because of it, a gazillion times. And I don't know how many occurrences there were of me tripping and falling on some ass hole's overly steep concrete steps.
Damn those concrete steps! Damn them all!
One of the last times I dressed up for Halloween, I went as a priest to another drunken Halloween party. For added kicks, I had a dildo hanging out, over my nether regions, with my costume. Some were shocked. Others, appalled. It was apparent I made some folks uncomfortable. They would give me those "I'm disgusted" glares. Certain females laughed and pointed. I hid my shame by stroking my apparatus and making flirtatious remarks.
Was that okay?
My friend's overly goody-goody christian sisters were there, scowling at me. My shame caused me to take another swallow of beer and think of the different ways I would have enjoyed putting them over my lap and giving them a good once over.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
WATCH THE ELEPHANTS PLAY HORSESHOES
TASTE THE CRAZY IN THE WALL STREET FRAY
CROSS YOUR FINGERS
AND DANCE IN THE BLAZE
HE WANTS TA SEE
EVERYTHING INSIDE OF YOU AND ME
IF THE MONKEY OBEYS
AND NEGLECTS TO SEE
MONKEY GETS TREAT WHILE GETTING REAMED
IT'S RAINING MISERY IN THE LANDS OF SAND
LIVES ARE SNUFFED FOR A SCHEME SO GRAND
POLITICS PLAYS A TUNE FOR YOU
WHILE WARS RAGE ON
AND CONSUME THE SOUL OF MAN
Thursday, October 30, 2008
These are my favorite. Not in any particular order.
The Exorcist (when I saw this as a kid, I kept thinking, for weeks, the devil was hiding under the bed)
Alien (This one nearly gave me a stroke when the toothy snake thingy popped out of his chest)
The Thing (You never knew who was the monster)
The Abominable Dr. Phibes (One of the funniest horror movies of all time)
HellRaiser (Made me shit and have a stroke, simultaneously)
The Grudge (Produced a wee bit o' pee in my pants)
The Descent (I like how the demon thingies ate the people)
Friday The 13th
An American Werewolf in London (Ahead of it's time in terms of special effects. It was also very humorous)
The Shining (Gotta love that crazy Jack Nicholson)
Anaconda (I love it when Jon Voight gets swallowed by the big snake and then gets spat out. If you don't know what I mean, see the movie)
Queen Of The Damned (based on two of Anne Rice's "Vampire Chronicles" books)
Young Frankenstein (Funny horror movie with emphasis on "funny")
My favorite weird/horror movies. You would swear they were on acid or, at the very least, drinking heavily while these flicks were being created. When you're watching one of these films, you feel as though you're trippin' out.
House on Haunted Hill
In The Mouth Of Madness
The Serpent and The Rainbow
My favorite horror/superhero type movies:
The Blair Witch Project (It sucked, quite horribly. Very boring. It was obviously produced and directed by amateurs. I get the idea of the movie (College kids lost in the woods, film of their "spooky adventure" gets found but the kids aren't found and so on) but the shaky camera bit was too much. I got sick and sleepy watching this turd of a movie.
Saw (I thought this was the most tedious torture flick I have ever seen)
So there ya have it. If you have any ideas or comments about my lists, scare them up and offer them up to me for sacrifice. Heh heh heh.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
The poor old woman is due in court next month. Read full story here about Jester. (Good name, considering her ball stealing prank) Heh heh. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081020/ap_on_re_us/odd_football_charge
I, for one, think it was okay for the elderly Jester to take their damn ball. I mean, sure, if it just happened that one time (or twice even) I would toss it back over. But not the third time. It's mine then. Kids should be more respectful. And if your dog comes over and takes a poop in my yard, I will shoot it in the ass with my pellet gun. Unfortunately, I don't have a pellet gun. Or a yard, as a matter of fact.
Have you guessed why all these little extras are not such a great idea for a business intending to sell over-priced high quality books?
Of the people going in there, I'd say say maybe 20% are real customers that walk out of there with a paid book in hand. The rest are loiterers that make Barnes and noble their home for the day. Many times you will go in there and the same old people will be lounging in the sofas or chairs, arms and legs draped over this way and that way. You can tell they've been in there for at least three or four hours. (Or is that 3 or 4 days?) Often, you'll see 'em with their dribblin' paper cups of coffee, dribblin' on the books or carpet or themselves. For them, the bookstore is their second home (or flophouse). They've got food, shelter, drinks, entertainment and a place to shit and piss. In their twisted minds--why go home?
I always wonder how many of Barnes and Noble books get ruined with food, drink and the drool that sometimes drips from one's chin when falling asleep in an overly comfy chair at a bookstore. It's a shame really, because I always thought one should treat a book with respect- especially when it's not yours. You'll never see a bent or spotty page in any of the books that I keep in my bookcases.
People just don't have any respect anymore. I guess that's why I'd like to kill the no good, loitering, dribblin' bastards.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Don't they realize how distasteful or ugly they appear? It's not sexy or appealing at all. The first word that comes to mind when I see something like this is: Monster.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Bush more or less said his administration was doing everything it could to stop what could be the next Great Depression.
For more on this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081011/bs_nm/us_financial_imf
The old cliche "too little, too late" comes to mind. He has never shown much concern for the economy.
But to be fair, Dictator Bush has been busy the last eight years. Doing what, you ask? Well, here's the short list. (I might have gotten the order of things out of whack but not the facts.)
* Instead of sending the military to pursue Osama Bin Laden, the man responsible for the plan to destroy the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, he opts to make Saddam Hussein out to be the main villain and, in the end, Hussein is captured and later executed. Not that Saddam didn't deserve death, but hey, I thought Bin Laden was the asshole we were after.
* Bush sends people to Iraq to look for "weapons of mass destruction in Iraq". None are found.* George W. Bush also defies the UN and decides to finish the war his dad, George H.W. Bush, started in Iraq when he president.
* After manipulating the outcome of votes for a second term, Bush is re-elected to the astonishment of the intelligent portion of the American public- Not to mention the rest of the world.
Note: Since March 2003, close to 4,200 US soldiers have died in Iraq. For more details and stats, go here:
Note: You may or may not be surprised to know how many soldiers have committed suicide as a result of repeated deployments to Iraq. You should look that up, too.
Continuing the list....
* Bush forces the Patriot Act down US citizens' throats, using fear tactics and propaganda as reasoning to spy on people in America.
* Bush says it is wrong for nations to torture wartime prisoners for information. Bush says it is okay for the US to torture wartime prisoners for information. What?
* Bush makes "war threats" to several other countries. Namely ones that are trying to make the same kind of weapons we have. We're allowed to do this. No one else, by his reasoning, is allowed.
On and on, the insanity continues.
I'm sure you could add more to this list but why bother. You get the picture. Hopefully.
And meanwhile, the US deepens it's trillion dollar debt, Wall Street starts crashing, people lose their homes and jobs and then the US becomes a 3rd World Nation.
To help celebrate Hooters' 25th anniversary this year, the franchise called upon Janey Dubbelook, the very first waitress hired by Hooters in 1983. This charming Hooters Girl is still working in the first Florida establishment and still getting big tips from all her appreciative customers.
When recently interviewed, Janey confided, "I don't mind being checked out and asked for my phone number dozens of times every night but I really wish the guys coming in here would stop pinching my ass. Other than that, it's been a real privilege to work at Hooters all these years."
Janey will start the 25th anniversary ceremony off in Florida this weekend by popping out of a cake, in the nude, covered with nothing but Hooters special trademark chicken wing sauce. BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
After watching the movie, "Uncounted", I've decided that I will not be voting on one of these machines. Instead, I will be voting using the "paper method", if it is provided. I urge you to either rent this movie or see it on cable. It will change the way you think about the subject.
The following clips are from the movie, "Uncounted".
The 2nd clip concerns Clint Curtis, a computer programmer who was asked to develope software for electronic voting machines to change the election outcomes in the year 2000.
For more information on electronic voting, click this link.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
In order to pull out all four of my wisdom teeth, a dentist had to dislocate my jaw. I was gassed and put out for the operation.
While I was out, I had the most wonderful dream I've ever had in my life. I still recall most of it. The music of Led Zeppelin was playing all around me in the dream as I bounced up and down on my magic carpet. I remember being disappointed when I came out of it, realizing I was back in this world again.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
I say that milking a human female till she produces enough milk to make a couple pints of ice cream may be cruel, too. From what I understand, those titty pumps kinda hurt. Where are they going to go to get that much booby milk? It's hard to picture an assembly line of women with pumps attached to them, getting enough of that stuff out of their breasts to produce that much ice cream. And who would volunteer for that job?
It takes about 12 pounds — or 1 1/2 gallons of milk — to make a gallon of ice cream. Ben & Jerry's, which gets its milk exclusively from Vermont cows, won't say how much milk it uses or how much ice cream it sells.
Besides all of this, I would be more concerned about the particular people they would be getting this milk from. I mean, are they healthy? More importantly, are they good looking?
The folks at Ben & Jerry's aren't going for the idea, of course. To them, the idea is udderly insane.
Ben & Jerry Spokesman Sean Greenwood, in an email, wrote:
We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child.
If Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream change their minds in the future, I would be ecstatic if they would consider a few possible flavors (including titles) I have come up with.
"Mocha Mammary Delight" (for some reason I'm picturing Halle Barry on the front of the carton)
"Nice N' Nutty Nipples"
"Boobilicious Berries and Cream"
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Chances are, they are most likely thinking one of those thoughts upon seeing you.
Have you ever gone into a restaurant, sat down, start eating the food and wonder if one of the cooks in the back put a booger in your food for any number of reasons?
I have. But I keep eating anyway.
Do you feel the need to be in constant communication with a friend or relative via cell phone, text messaging or some other electronic form of communication? Yes? No?
If you replied yes, would it be alright if I cut off your head, scoop out the crap and make a decorative planter out of your skull? I thought it would be more polite if to ask.
Have you ever been stuck in traffic or in a public place where there are just too many people? Have you ever thought about how nice it would be for a meteor to hit the planet and wipe out just enough people to cut down on your traffic time?
Has your boss or supervisor ever asked you to do something that made you uncomfortable?
Was it something called work?
If you saw a homeless person begging for food, would you....
A: Give them something to eat?
B: Ignore them?
Or C: Notice how "good" your old classmate looks after all these years?
Though it would have been a wonderful gesture on the part of our government leaders to have been more involved in searching and working on efforts to replace oil as our main source of energy and fuel in the last 20 years with a cleaner, cheaper source of energy, instead of looking out for themselves, isn't it gratifying to know that soon after the next major world war (over oil, likely) will be a return to the more simpler times of living in caves or huts, consuming food without chemicals and talking to one another, face to face?
In reality, though, I doubt it will be that nice with all the nuclear fallout and the sun being blocked out for hundreds of years. And so on. Actually, I worry most about the rich. Without their money and an economic system created to enslave everyone into being cogs in the Big Machine, the upper class may have a struggle coping with having to live without material luxuries and being forced to work to survive.
I will start praying for them right now. Here I go.
Why do people walk right in front of you in a busy parking lot without looking around to see if they're going to be hit by a car?
Do they have that much trust in me?
How sadly misguided.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
By the way, yes I can.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
I guess if you could read the above paragraph, that means you're a genius, just like me.