This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Denial Comes In Many Forms

My wife, my friend, Steve and I were watching the movie, Anger Management, last night. It's a comedy with Adam Sandler, Jack Nickolson and Morisa Tomei in the main starring roles. One of my favorite movies of all time. It's off-the-wall, hysterical and has an undeniable message. And this is a message that shows the truth in how people interact and cope with each other, themselves and how they play mind games to manipulate themselves and others. But you're not going to get any of this unless you're paying attention to the movie.

Nickolson plays the character of the psychologist, Dr. Buddy Rydell, who is trying to help Sandler's character, Dave Buznik, with his anger issues.

If you've seen the movie, you may remember the lines of dialogue Jack Nickolson spoke to Adam Sandler as he explains the difference between explosive anger and implosive anger.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Explosive is the type of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and then finally shoots everyone in the store. You’re the cashier.

Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I’m the guy in the frozen food section dialin’ 911. I swear.

Check out this funny scene from the movie in the clip below.

Unfortunately, I suffer from implosive anger. I wish it were otherwise but it isn't. I don't deny the fact that I and others around me may suffer from my choice of keeping shit inside until I go off like fireworks in a portable toilet, but most of the time, I'll deny whatever is eating at me until the inevitable event occurs. I think a lot of people, if they were honest, would say the same. You want to avoid confrontations because they are unpleasant. In an individual's mind it may seem as if they're trying to give the person, thing or problem chance after chance to say the right thing or resolve itself but it is also a form of denial. It especially becomes clear when you want something to happen and, obviously, it isn't going to happen. Acceptance can be difficult.

Explosive anger can be bad, as well. You can't just go off on someone because of something they said. And you shouldn't punch a wall at the exact moment something negative occurs to you. There should, if humans were rational, be a real attempt on the part of the person feeling like they're "getting the shaft" or being insulted to restrain themselves from abrupt, extreme violent verbal or physical abuse.

Honestly, which one of those types would you say you have? Remember... When you are true to yourself with one thing or another in your life, it lifts yet another burden from your shoulders as you make your journey. I just made that up. Pretty good, huh? Not only profound but I somehow manage to stay humble, too. Amazing.

My friend said this last night, after watching Anger Management:

"Denial isn't just a river but it's a way of life for some people." Get the joke?... De Nile? (as in the Nile River)... and denial? Sure, you're likely not laughing until you piss yourself but I liked it. Hell, you might have heard it before. I don't know nor care but it's a true enough statement.

Well, curiosity got the best of me and I just looked it up. It's been said already. Sorry, Steve. lol.

Here's another quote, from the great philosopher, Aristotle:

“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy."

Have you noticed, during the last ten years or so, that they keep building bigger and bigger cruise ships? Over three thousand passengers could fit on the cruise ship, Freedom of The Seas, we took last summer. After that, another cruise ship, Oasis of The Seas, was created. It's five times larger than the Titanic. It can hold 5,400 passengers and 2,145 staff members. And there will be more cruise ships coming, from what I've read, that will be even bigger, if they haven't been created and launched already. More lives on board. More lives at stake if something goes terribly wrong. The notion that plans to evacuate people are guaranteed to work simply isn't true. Things can and have gone awry on cruise ships.

The Carnival cruise ship, Carnival Splendor, had a fire in their engine room, last year, that shut down all the power, stranding over 4,000 passengers and staff members out in the middle of the sea. People endured three days and nights without hot food, cabin lighting and air conditioning. Their story could have ended a lot worse, of course. And in the future, with companies willing to raise the ante of Potential Life Loss VS. Rising Profit Margins on the continuous building of massive ships, one holding more people than the one before it, something horrendous will eventually happen. The odds for it are obvious.

There have been other cruise ship events in the past that were near disasters, by way of lives being almost lost. Take the MTS Oceanos, for example. Ten years ago, this cruise ship was sinking after an explosion was heard. Water rapidly rose up through the hull, generator room and beyond. The crew took off, leaving the passengers stranded. Very few were led to the lifeboats to safety. While the captain was one of the first to get off the ship, most of the passengers were left to fend for themselves. Luckily, the on board entertainers assisted the passengers and kept them alive. Click the link for part of that story.

There are other examples, other scenarios that have happened. Like everyone on board getting deathly sick from bacteria or one thing or another. I think that happened last year. I forget which cruise ship. I doubt it was the Love Boat. You can look it up, yourself.

The point is:

It's all for the purpose of making bigger profits, building these gigantic floating cities on the oceans. And all those people. Just think about it! Denying that something terrible will happen is easy and arrogant on the part of these cruise lines.

You might have heard the news about news reporters going into Egypt to report the violence and the protesting against President Mubarak. One female reporter, Lara Logan was raped and assaulted while there, trying to tell what was going on. While I commend her on wanting to get the truth out there to the rest of the world, since Mubarak was trying to keep the truth from getting out, by way of television and the Internet, I think she and her news crew were somehow denying to themselves that something horrendous could happen to them in the middle of that powder keg. Brave, but stupid. Denial of what will likely happen in a scenario like that is stupid, especially when it comes to your life possibly being snuffed out and your family paying the price, in the end, for your bravery/stupidity.

Oh, and hey, my fellow Americans, get a goddamn clue! The world hates the U.S. because we meddle into their business and their problems and their affairs so we can make a profit from their misery or whatever they got that we happen to want. Wars. Oil. Politics. Corporate greed. Government. All linked. When one country sets up military bases all over the world like they're the New Roman Empire, what kind of hostility do you think that will bring about from the rest of humanity?

We're a country full of fat, rich, obese people that let out cries of patriotism because we're given misinformation to instill that fucked up sense of patriotism. Delusional. A nation of fuckers in denial. Just keep giving us that paycheck and we'll keep performing our expected tricks for you . Continue to drill for oil in the water, in the national parks or wherever. Intrude on what's left of our privacy. Do whatever you want. We just want to be left alone and left dumber than a box of rocks. We can't be hassled or bothered by the truth of things.

And global warming is just a myth, of course. Sure. A lot of idiots were claiming that the harsh winter we had was proving global warming was just an alarmist piece of propaganda. Yes, in 49 of our 50 states we did have snow falling. True. This is and was a very extreme winter. I've done my fair share of complaining with good reason but the facts are the facts. The deniers have said, more or less, "Fuck what 95% of the scientists have as proof of global warming." Btw, would you care for an explanation of why our weather is becoming so extreme, hot and cold-wise, and that it is most certainly connected to climate change? Click here for that answer.

While we're on the subject, check out this informative little clip for a bit of good cheer.

Don't forget to continue to pump that poison in the air and keep the profits rolling and keep those corporation execs and bank CEOs in their mansions and their private jets. Don't worry. We'll just keep working and hiding our heads in the sand. No questions asked. Just deny that it is happening. We'll keep doing that until we've wiped out every last plant, tree, animal and pocket of clean, breathable air.

Then it's "Goodbye, Mr. Blue Sky!" You sow what you reap, fuckers!

I'm sure we're not the only ones to fall into the denial trap. The German citizenry were certainly suckered in by the Nazi party rhetoric during WW2. They made themselves believe it in the hopes that their economy would become repaired and they could live a better life. Of course, some threats, attacks and outright murders were committed to help persuade the folks. The Jewish people and more ethnic groups got to suffer for the German people's delusion and belief in that propaganda. Gas chambers. Concentration camps. Torture. Cruel medical experimentation. Denial mixed with inhumanity can bring forth catastrophic results.

I called my sister up, today, after she was finished plucking a couple turkeys she had in her pen of chickens and ducks. They all get along, in case you're wondering or making assumptions. She said she was going to make sausage out of the male because adding spices normally reserved for sausage masked some of the stronger taste of the male meat of the bird. The female turkey doesn't have that strong of a taste to them, she explained. I asked why was that. She said because the testosterone somehow permeates the meat of the males and gives them that slightly nastier flavor. Females don't have that kind of taste to them, according to her.

She went on to say that these big meat butchering companies treat their cattle and pigs and chickens like crap by feeding them in confined spaces and putting them through hell before they find their way into the supermarkets. As a result, the meat is slightly or more contaminated by these chemicals or hormones produced in the meat that causes them to have that strong, unsavory taste.

Japanese Kobe beef has a much better taste to it than American beef because they treat their cattle with tender loving care before they kill them, slice and dice 'em and serve their flesh on your plate. Mmm... I'm getting hungry. Let me give you a real nice massage, like they do in Japan, before I cut off your head, tear out your guts and divide your body parts among the masses. The cattle might being treated better at the time, but in the end, it's kind of a nasty little prank, is it not? All that tender loving care and then WHAM! They're meat for humans in the end, when only recently, they were being pampered.

My point is that there is denial with that aspect on how we treat our livestock and the connection with what we're putting into our bodies. Still, I'm not going to stop eating meat. I'll be honest. I like meat. If you and I were on a deserted island and there was no hope of rescue, I wouldn't turn your back! I'll make you my meal of choice if I feel desperate enough. Mmm... I hope there's a little garlic that's washed ashore, to go with your rib meat. Don't you deny me your flesh, now, friend. :-)

Denial comes in many forms, for the individual and groups and nations of people. What you, we or I choose to ignore and deny can and will likely, in the future, present a grave danger, if it hasn't already.

And, in conclusion, I say, "Have a pleasant afternoon and sunny tomorrows, everyone! Yipee!"

Friday, February 25, 2011

The 7 Facts Award

Wouldn't you know it? The great and wonderful me has gotten another award thrust upon myself and I want to thank the just as great and wonderful, if not better, LilPixi, from It's A Lollipop World.

LilPixi has got a kick ass, wild and humorous blog that features delightful topics ranging from popping penis balloons to pleasant experiences like having your heart abruptly stop pumping while slippery shit dumplings suddenly pop out of your ass like a Jack-In-The Box as you're attacked by crazed, jacket-eating giraffes. I'm might have added a bit of color to that last description but, basically, it's true. Check out her zany, original blog to see what I mean by all this insanity.

As usual, there are the rules. As usual, I will break one or more of them. Here are the rules:

*Copy and paste this award to your blog
* Thank and link to the person that tagged you with it.
* List 7 facts about yourself
* Give the award to 5 other bloggers and tell them they have it.

I shall list 7 facts of myself, once again, like I did at the beginning of this month, because I know how much everyone is just dying to know more about sweet lil' ol' me. I'll try my damnedest to tell something about myself I haven't before on this site but I can't guarantee you'll be oddly fascinated or even erotically stimulated by the answers.

#1- I can hear, just at this moment, at one o' clock in the morning, some asshole loudly rummaging around in the large garbage bin, down below one of my apartment windows, slightly off to the right side of the building. No shit! This numb nuts is hunting for I-don't-know-what at this time of night but it is unnerving. I'm wondering what kind of info he might be finding out. Damn, I hope he doesn't find the messed up Barbie Dolls I threw in the trash that have my name stamped on their plastic asses. That might be embarrassing.

#2- TV shows I watch on a semi-regular basis would include: House, Family Guy, Nova, Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern, 1000 Ways To Die, Tosh.O, National Geographic specials, Baggage, NCIS, The Daily Show, Minute To Win It, History Channel shows and more I can't think of at the moment because the douche bucket down below won't stop making a racket.

Perhaps he's collecting cans. I hear a lot of tink-tink-tinking going on. Perhaps I'll save him the trouble of making a few lousy bucks by collecting cans at one in the morning to drag to the recycle center later for money and throw a few dollars out the window at him so he'll go away. Fuck it! I'll just pull the window up and activate "my amazing sprinkler system" (also called My Bladder and Tubular Sex Organ) and give the guy a golden shower. Nah. Strike that! That freak might enjoy it.

Moving on...

#3- Is an omelet really an omelet without the cooked flesh of some dead animal and some cheese? I think not. I don't eat omelets without meat and if you try to force one, sans meat, upon me, I will be forced to declare war. It would be as bad as drinking decaffeinated coffee to me. What's the point?

#4- I was taught how to fish, set up a tent and camp, chop wood, enjoy a good strong cup of coffee, reap the benefits of what worlds books can open for you, draw, paint, cook and observe before you blindly jump into something all before the age of ten. Imagining and creating stories came naturally to me. So did the ability to be direct and honest. An ability some people in society annoyingly lack for the purposes of not wanting to "make waves" or be open.

#5- I like animals more than I like people. A real shock, isn't it? Hahaha..... Okay. I'll stop.

#6- I was once an elf for the Keebler Cookie Company. But instead of doing our work in a tree, we did it in a factory filled with huge hot ovens. I was driven further into the depths of madness with this fast paced, stressful job. It was my duty to watch, from 10 at night to 8 in the morning, literally millions of goddamn cookies go down the conveyor belt very, very quickly and check for minor imperfections of each friggin' cookie. If you found one or more unsightly cookies, you had to have the reflexes of Flash to grab it off the line before it got to the packagers' section. Chaos often ensued when there were more than a few at a time that were "bad".

In only seconds, I had to judge the quality of each cookie as they whizzed by. Does this one have enough chocolate chips? Is that one perfectly round? Does that one seem photogenically balanced and capable of pleasing a typical obese American? Gosh, I sure hoped so. My eyes watered and glazed over after a few hours of this relentless burden and my back was about to break. Eventually, the stress got to me with this job (slave labor) and I allowed a billion and one cookies to pile up on the factory floor one night. When blood comes out of your ears and drips on the perfectly shaped cookies, you know it's quitting time. Boy, you should have heard what those potty-mouthed elves had to say about that mess. Goodness gracious, I was appalled!

#7- I've met eight of the major players of The Big Red Machine. The Major League Baseball World Champions of 1975 and 1976 were gracious enough to give me and our small town's citizenry, free of charge, a signed autograph of themselves back then. It isn't too often that a big name professional athlete does anything like that- free of charge- these days. It's all about the money. That was an amazing day for a 12 year old boy or for anyone else, for that matter. Click the link above for the significance of these guys. They are legends.

As for any recipients to pass this award forward to, I'm going to give it to one blogger I've never mentioned before and whose blog has given me chuckles aplenty past and present. He may do whatever he wants with it. Let it be known, I have officially bestowed this award/survey upon him like a crown of golden dingleberries.

The proud recipient is Rico Swaff of the spectacular blog, The Chronicles of Rico. Hey dude, follow the rules above as much as you want. Take care, folks.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Hey You, Monkey!

Watch that monkey go in his cage
In his cage
In his cage
Watch that monkey play the game
Play the game
Play the game

Watch that monkey do what's expected of him
Expected of him
Expected of him
Laugh as monkey jumps from trend to trend
Trend to trend
Trend to trend

If that damn monkey don't do
What he's supposed to do
That damn monkey
Will get the boot

(crazy guitar solo)

Now watch that monkey as he cheats and lies
Cheats and lies
Cheats and lies
And hear that monkey, he'll say it's okay

"I'm just keepin' up with everyone
And playin' that everyday game"

Now monkey thinks this rose is not a regular flower
Because monkey thinks this rose has got ultimate power
And monkey thinks it smells so fresh and great
And monkey will fight anything to get at this bait

If that damn monkey don't do
What he's supposed to do
That damn monkey
Will get the boot

(crazy guitar solo)


I wrote this festive little ditty up while casually looking around at the freak show (human race) we're in and our suffering world (unfortunate victim), my fellow monkeys. You're apart of it. No matter how hard you may deny it at times. Might as well laugh while you cry. Might as well let these times go by as you shrug nonchalantly and keep your head up in the sky. Woo hooo.

It's easier that way, isn't it?

Hahahahaha.... Okay, I'm done. Back in the cage, we go.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Psychedelic Art

I've always thought the images produced in this form of art are fascinating because of the amazing creativity and imagination involved. Everyone has a different perception of what is going on or what is supposedly symbolized in the artwork.

What do you see? Random colors or random unconnected images or maybe just a mess and splashes of color here and there?

Some art has humor within it for some viewers. That same humor might not be seen by those who choose not to see it. But it's all a matter of perception and opinion.

What is this? What is happening here? You choose what you want to see.

Pretty wild shit going on with this one. But that's just my opinion. Do you have an opinion?

A world of possibilities await everyone, both in art and in life. Some wait too long, thinking those possibilities will come to them, while others rush forward, without a thought. Then there are those who quietly observe and study before making their opinions or stepping toward those possibilities and grasping them with either hands or their minds.

Who is to say what is right, wrong, familiar or unfamiliar, beautiful or distasteful, moral or immoral? The answer is: You are the one to say.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

More Of Your Favorite Nursery Rhymes

Little Tommy Tucker

Little Tommy Tucker isn't singing for his supper
What shall we give him? We asked him but he stutters
How do we know what he wants?
How can we tell if he's nuts?
Do we send him to a speech therapist
Or do we lock him, hungry, in his closet?

I'm a Little Teapot

I'm a little despot
Short and stout
I brainwash my people
That I'm a god, without a doubt
When I get all steamed up
My people hear me shout
"I'm going to threaten to nuke
so our enemies will shake about
and if that doesn't work out
I'll have no choice but to sit here
and pout, pout, pout!"

One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

One, two, buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, six, deflate the blow up doll
Seven, eight, put it beneath the bed
Nine, ten, open the door with fly unzipped
Eleven, twelve, at the door, a woman doth scream
Thirteen, fourteen, my penis still drips
Fifteen, sixteen, I try to think up a scheme
Seventeen, eighteen, the woman drops to her knees
Nineteen, twenty, oh those blessed lips

Ding Dong Bell

Ding, dong, bell,
What's that goddamn smell?

And why the sly grin?
Did you cut the cheese?

What did you eat?
Some kind of maggoty meat?
What a disgusting fiend you are
To fart without warning
In my brand new car
Now I'm going to stop and get out
To beat you severely
With my heavy new iron bar

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Row, row, row your boat
Too close to a Somali pirate ship
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Your day's about to turn to shit

Old King Cole

Old King Cole was a scary old politician
And a scary old politician was he;
As he stonewalled on job creation
As he called for misinformation
As the poor were in desperation
And every rich man became richer
And had clever machinations indeed
Oh, there's none so rare as can compare
With King Cole and his corporate strings

There Was a Crooked Man

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He dated a crooked woman, who had plenty of style.
He bought a crooked house, which was built on a slant
Then he saw his new wife in bed, fucking an eggplant

For more of your favorite nursery rhymes-- CLICK HERE

Monday, February 14, 2011

Shat The Snowwombat

Before you is a tale of enchantment, whimsy, hope, love and a gathering of woodland creatures, geared towards making you feel all warm and juicy inside. Feel the wonder! Delight in the magic! Behold the bliss-inducing imagery and joy that will surely fill your heart!


when Shat The Snowwombat came upon a gathering of animals. The animals looked at Shat with shock because he was made almost entirely of snow, yet his penis was made of wood. Well... that and he appeared to be more than a bit handicapped looking to the critters of the forest. The woodland wildlife quickly noticed he was shuffling along the snowy grounds with a walking stick in his grip. Shat had been badly injured during an ice hockey game years before and, as a result, found it difficult to get about. This day was the first time he had been out of his snowwombat home in years, braving the adventure of the wilderness. For Shat, this was an act of personal triumph.

But that personal triumph didn't matter to the deer, the squirrels or the rest of the animals. They all laughed at poor Shat. Shat asked the animals, "Why are all of you laughing at me?" The animals shook their heads and began laughing considerably louder. One of the deer turned his gaze away from Shat, in disgust, as if he were an abomination.

The squirrel suddenly shouted, "You're a freak! That's why we're laughing at you!"

Shat's wooden penis pointed downward. When this happened, you could tell he was sad. :(

A fox by the name of Rascal suddenly ran up behind the snowwombat and placed a human's discarded drink container on top of Shat's head. Then he ran back to the mob of animals and joined in their relentless mocking of the creature made of snow.

Rascal the fox exclaimed, "Look everyone! It's King Weirdo and he's wearing his crown!"

Shat cried at the taunting and laughing beasts that began to surround him. This constant mocking of the animals, because he was different, caused Shat to become so depressed, his wooden penis slipped away from between his legs and fell off into the snow. The animals poked and prodded him until he turned around and started the long journey back home.

Before Shat could shuffle across the road into the other side of the forest, a vehicle full of humans came by. Shat called out to them and said, "Please give me a lift. I am afraid I will not make it back to my home before I expire."

The humans were a little afraid of the snowwombat at first. They couldn't believe this "thing" was moving toward them. In fact, Shelly, the attractive blonde in the passenger seat of the car, pissed her panties, in fright. The husband, Jack, asked Shelly, "What the hell is that?" The baby in the back seat began wailing. Shelly said, "I don't know and I don't care. I just want to get the hell out of here. That thing is freakin' me the hell out."

Jack and Shelly had been married only five years and had produced five kids in that space of time. The baby in the back seat was the latest addition. Their other kids were dropped off at one of their parent's houses where the kids would besiege and harass the suffering grandparents all day long. This was a strange and cruel custom practiced by humans quite frequently. Adult humans would often take advantage of their parents by asking them to babysit their offspring for them, promising to be back in a few hours, while they went off to a land far, far away for a bit of serenity or to a hotel to fuck and create more rugrats for the suffering grandparents to take care of in the future. The parents wouldn't be back to retrieve their youngsters until the next day or the next month.

This is how Shelly looked before she had kids.

Humans were very proficient at creating more and more offspring, regardless of the consequences. With that said, even Jack and Shelly agreed this last addition to the family was enough, finally.

After the last baby was pushed out of Shelly's well worn vagina, Jack was thoughtful enough to go down to the hospital gift shop to buy Shelly a lovely card and a festive, colorful balloon that said CONGRATS in big bold lettering. Shelly was overwhelmed when the proud poppa kissed her on the cheek and gave her the gifts.

And this was the card.

Now, curiosity had gotten the best of Jack and he decided to get out of the car to see what the unfamiliar creature was. Shelly begged him to stop and to get back into the car. Jack waved Shelly's concern away and walked toward Shat the snowwombat. Shat was only a few feet away from Jack when he said, "Don't be afraid. Just because I look different from others doesn't mean I will harm you."

Jack's jaw went slack. He was frozen in place and found it difficult to understand that this thing of snow could speak. He wondered, Am I having an acid flashback?

Then Shat, in his attempt to quell Jack's shock and fear, told Jack a joke.

Shat said, "An Alpaca went into a bar, ya see, and as it was sitting on the stool the Pope comes in and sits down at the bar counter beside him. The Alpaca turns his head and says to the Roman Catholic Holy Father, 'Hey, what's that place called- that you hang out at?' The Pope answers, 'That would be the Vatican, my son.' The Alpaca inquired, after smirking, 'Is that the Vatican or the Vati-can't?' Then the Alpaca rears his head back and laughs. The bartender shakes his head at the lame joke. Furious, the Pope jumps down off his bar stool and punches the Alpaca in the face, knocking him out and then proceeds to fuck it hard in the ass until the animal bleeds to death on the bar room floor."

After hearing the joke, Jack becomes enraged and exclaims, "You bastard! I'm Catholic and I know for a fact the Pope couldn't have fucked the Alpaca in the ass and made it bleed to death! The Pope's penis is only two and one quarter inches in length and I oughta know. I've made several booty calls to the Vatican in my day and have sucked The Holy Father's all powerful and almighty blessed skin flute in many a night."

Shat wasn't sure what to say. It seemed his attempt to "break the ice" with the human somehow failed and that the man was acting irrationally. Jack glared at the snowwombat and accused him by saying, "Only a demonic being would make such jokes at the Pope's expense."

Jack walked toward Shat, intent on destroying him.

Suddenly, Shat's fairy godmother appeared from nowhere and stopped time. Both Shat and the magical woman were in a dark place, quiet and free of turmoil.

"My name is Labia Minora and I am your fairy godmother," the wondrous woman stated.

Shat said, "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever beheld in my gaze."

The fairy godmother said, "I know. I get that a lot." Which she followed with a little giggle.

"Now, Shat, I've noticed you've been having a bit of difficulty trying to bond with the woodland creatures and the humans," said Labia Minora, quite exuberantly. She asked, "If there were anything you would wish for, what would that be, my dear one?"

Shat thought about it for a moment and told her what that one wish would be.


After the magical meeting with his fairy godmother had ended, Shat found himself in the exact spot that he had initially met her.

Now Jack and the rest of the beasties of the forest converged upon Shat, ready to tear him apart because he was different and things that he had said.

Pleadingly, Shat the snowwombat cried out, "Please, stay away from me!"

They cared not for Shat's cries of anguish and instead, seemed even more eager to pounce upon him.

With a wave of his walking stick, Shat warned, "I told you to keep at bay!"

Suddenly, a blue mystical bolt flew out the end of Shat's walking stick. This resulted in Jack being turned into a human icicle, buried inside the frozen ground to his chest. The animals were astonished. Shelly grabbed her baby and ran out toward her frozen husband.

Standing next to her thoughtful husband and seeing what Shat had done, Shelly looked at the snowwombat and said, "I'm going to kill you, you freaky little monster."

Shat, frightened, waved his magic stick wand again and turned Shelly into a Snickers candy-loving monster.

The baby was dropped to it's feet as the mother roared like a ferocious jungle beast and ran off towards town, in search of the particular candy made by Mars, Incorporated.

Angry at what Shat had turned his mother into and, more importantly, the fact that he wanted to get some titty milk and she had left with her tits, the baby let out a growl and ran on his little hands and knees, menacingly, toward Shat.

Shat waved his wand again, turning the baby into an odd human/unicorn/clown hybrid and transported him to a carnival sideshow.

Turning toward the angry mob of wilderness animals, Shat waved his wand many more times, causing as much chaos and abominations to appear as he felt the pain in his heart and soul.

The animal who first threw hurtful insult at him, the squirrel, was abruptly frozen, completely and transported to a far away city to lay on top of a cigarette butt waste can like a gruesome decoration.

One of the deer that had mocked him earlier felt a sudden cold draft around his rear end. When he looked back, he found that his butt had been sliced off and his blood and guts were pumping out onto the snow covered ground. Then the deer dropped dead. Where was his butt? Shat had magically transported it to the outside wall of a human's house. The deer's butt hole was turned into a doorbell.
When Shat was finished working his wonders with his magic wand, the snowwombat felt an overwhelming joy fill his heart. Happy with himself once again, Shat shuffled his way back home and turned the cave in which he had lived, into a beautiful fairy land type of castle.

And this, my friends, is where our enchanting story comes to an inspiring close.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Make of These What You Will...

...and come to your own conclusions. Enjoy.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Joe Rogan Speaks The Truth

I intended to put an entirely different kind of post up here on the site but since I'm still working hard on it yet -and I found this great video- I wanted to put this on here for everyone to see and listen to. Joe Rogan, a comedian and a guy with a lot of truth to share, did a radio interview last year about the human race. I just stumbled on to it.

I've been a longtime fan of Joe Rogan's and I gotta say, his thoughts on the "human condition" pretty well match up with my own. Scary, huh? I think his words in this video are well worth thinking about. Please watch it and share your opinion. In any case, an open mind should not be faulted. That should be kept in mind while watching this.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Endless Ice Age And A Rude Imbecile

The endless Ice Age that most of the country is suffering from is getting mighty old. You got your collapsing buildings from the snow, frozen car doors and everyday sub-freezing temperatures that cause your balls and beavers to ice up whenever you walk out the friggin' door to get the mail or go to work. It just won't stop. For once, I'd like to take a walk in the park where I'm not wearing four layers of clothes and three pairs of socks over my dingle.

And a car trip from our parking lot to the beginning of the road? It can be like taking your life in your own hands and kissing your frozen gooseberries a heartfelt goodbye. Not that I could bend over that far. Hell, if I could, I wouldn't be wasting my valuable time writing this post right now. I'd be gettin' busy.

When I went for my walk today, the temperature had risen up to a balmy 35 degrees Fahrenheit. Woo hoo. A friggin' heat wave, nowadays! As I started my stroll, I was surprised to see four kids, wearing parkas, coats, scarfs and those big woolly Russian hats, playing tennis on the courts while I was there. They were running around, batting the ball back and forth, making the best of a freezing situation. Good for them, I say. Ironically, during the summer months, you would be lucky to see the tennis courts being used even once in the park.

The other night, we went to Taco Bell to try out their new steak and cheese burritos. I know "the Bell" has gotten a bad rap, lately, due to the report or accusation that they're not using 100% ground beef in their food but that doesn't bother me much. For one thing, I think you could say a lot of shit about other fast food chains that would be worse. The McRib from McDonald's, anyone? What kind of "meat" is that? Is that something taken from the hide off of a yeti?

Below: The new steak and cheese burrito. A little spicy but tasty, nevertheless.

Anyway, while we're sitting there, a guy dressed in gangsta or punk clothing, complete with a hat being worn backwards, torn t-shirt and jeans sliding down to his ass crack, comes in and talks really, really loud. This guy wants to be heard. He is a first class Attention Craver, not to mention A-1 Asshole. First, the fashion-impaired, twenty-something year old punk complains about how cold it is in the restaurant. Then he remarks to the employees how they should start paying their heating bills so the place was warmer for him.

Meanwhile, the patrons of the restaurant are ignoring him and chowing away on their pseudo Mexican fare while the delightful dumbass continues his barrage of scintillating commentary. In between talking to my wife about how her day at work went, I can't help but to hear this dude's outbursts to the management and the employees. At one point, he leans over the counter and shouts to the employees in back, regarding his food order, to "Take care of me on that cheese!"

I'm guessing that was his cordial way of letting them know that he wanted them to put extra cheese on whatever it was he ordered. If it were me preparing his food, I would have pulled my peppy gigglestick from my trousers and spurted my own homemade type cheese onto his tacos and then see if he would have enjoyed munching on that.

Though I enjoyed the new burritos they had there, I found the imbecile's behavior a little annoying. I'm surprised the manager didn't ask him to leave. Fortunately, the guy and his quieter pal didn't stay too long. They quickly ate their food and took off. Before leaving, the guy asked a female employee, trying her best to ignore him, if she was married. When she quickly replied that she was engaged, the lout said, "Damn, that's too bad. But you know... we could still meet up after your shift's over. You feelin' me?"

Ahh... a charmer til' the end. The girl, noticeably irritated, forced herself to smile at the irresistible fuckwad and turned around to continue cleaning a table. Prince charming then walked out the door, jabbering away about how "damn cold" it was in there.

Watch the Metrodome stadium roof collapse under the weight of over two feet of snow.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Car Spins Wheels In Snow and Catches on Fire

Watch this idiot, on live TV, spin his wheels until he catches on fire.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Laugh Out Loud Award

Although I've received this fantastic and ego inflating award once before, I am nevertheless extremely grateful to the incredibly humorous and clever blogger, LilPixi, who has bestowed it upon me this time. I consider myself fortunate to have discovered this genuinely talented blogger. LilPixi jam packs her blog, It's a Lollipop World, with the craziest, funniest writing you'll ever come across. Take a gander inside her maniacal mind and check her out.

Late last week, I found out I was given this award and it really made my head swell even bigger than it already is, if that's possible. My head is the exact size and shape as a hot air balloon. All you would have to do is tie a goddamn basket to my ass and off we'll go, up up and away.

You know, no matter how many times you've received a certain award for anything in life, the award should always be taken as a badge or symbol of appreciation and high regard for whatever that person is being awarded for. Unless the award is for running over people who take their time crossing a parking lot at a supermarket. I don't think you should take delight in driving over some slow fuck who is staring directly at you, daring you to make a move, while he or she deliberately inches across the pavement like an lumbering elephant with a sagging uterus.

Eh, I'm just kidding. Go ahead and crush their obnoxious asses into a peanut-buttery paste. But don't say I encouraged you. If you should attribute your perfectly acceptable act of violence toward me, please use my other name, MasterHeathen, as the genius in your head that told you to slowly crush the defiant pedestrian beneath your wheels. Sure, they might look at you funny, but hey, at least I'll avoid being sued or held accountable in any way. And surely, isn't that what's really important in all this?

In accepting this award, there a few rules you are supposed to follow.

The Rules

1. Link to the person who gave you this award (in a post, or in your sidebar, wherever you have this).
2. Pass the award along to seven other people who post about at least slightly amusing things and tell them (by emailing them or commenting on a post, etc.).
3. Say seven things about yourself that no one knows (or at least you think no one knows).
4. Pass these rules on.

As usual, I will do my own thing and follow some rules but not others. For instance you are supposed to list 7 little known facts about yourself. This, I am more than happy to do because I enjoy talking about my modest and humble self. Linking to the person who gave the award is something I'm more than happy to do, especially since it's LilPixi we're talking about here. As for passing it along, I'm just going to say this... If you're on my blogroll, you should automatically assume that I think you deserve this award (I only put people on my blogroll who I believe are humorous) and you should take it, if you care to, and place it on your own blog and follow the rules or not.

And without further ado, here are the 7 magical, awe-inspiring things that you may or may not know about sweet lil' ol' me:

(prepare to be astounded)

#1- My favorite color is teal.
#2- I've been in the following locations: Florida, Texas, Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Wyoming, Iowa, Washington, D.C., West Virginia, South Dakota, Michigan, Grand Cayman Islands, The Bahamas and Cozumel, Mexico.

#3- Where I'd like to visit, in no particular order: California, Canada, Italy, Greece, Hawaii, Australia (when there isn't an impending category 5 cyclone creating chaos there) and the Western Caribbean Islands we weren't able to visit during our cruise in August last year.
#4- When I was a kid, I made believe that the Hot Wheels cars I played with were alive. I even gave them names, such as, The Captain, The Major, Christine, the secretary, Sergeant and the royal guards. There were more character names but I can't think of them at the moment.

I might also add that even when I was a kid, I would employ and move these cars about so that they would drive over little human figurines. So I guess I was a little warped even back then. Tee hee.

#5- I love seafood.
#6- I like ketchup but I don't care for tomatoes. I like potatoes but I don't care for guacamole. Coincidence? Why, I'm not sure but I feel these facts should be taken into deep consideration and then ignored for a bit before going to bed and having a strange dream that causes you to awaken and wonder just what the fuck is going on here.

Which brings me to...

#7- I had a strange dream last night where I was taken somewhere to have my elbow pushed and rolled over an ink pad, as if I were being fingerprinted (only on the elbow, instead) for a possible crime (perhaps vehicular homicide?). After the uniformed person rolled my elbow across the ink pad, they took me into custody. Soon afterwards, I found myself at my parents' old house and I heard a strange sounding doorbell. The doorbell sounded like a wind chime.

Everyone rushed to the front door and seemed excited. The front door was opened and before me was an old friend, dragging one foot across the snow covered lawn, holding a tiny Christmas tree. I ran up to him to take the tree and I saw that it was lit up with little lights. One of the little lights dropped into the snow and in the moment that followed, the light grew in size to become a spaceship. With much enthusiasm, everyone encouraged me to climb aboard the spacecraft and so I did.

That's when I woke up, rubbed the eye snot from my eyes and struggled to make my way into the kitchen. Before I could make it to the counter to make myself a pot of coffee, I looked outside to see my wind chimes blowing in a sudden gust of wind. Then I thought about the dream again.

Yes, these are my wind chimes on my balcony. And yes, this is the end of my post. Kind of anti-climatic, I know, but somehow, some way, I'll get over it. :)
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