This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Really Sick Jokes

Guy checks into a hotel, asks the clerk, "Is your porn disabled?" "No," replies the clerk, "It's the regular kind, you sick bastard."

*********

John goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". John just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice John says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." John said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"

********

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

********

These are the Royal Wedding condoms, called CROWN JEWELS. I kid you not. Talk about being in bad taste. This is a real product. Enlarge the picture to check out the oddly humorous details of the rubbers. If you want, click this link to go to the company's website. I thought it was just a joke at first. I guess it is, in a strange sort of way. On the bottom of each box of condoms it says: LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND. Wtf???

*********

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

**********

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great... Did you get a blow job?"

"Oh, no... I never found her head."

**********

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

************

How do you get a baby out of the blender?

Nachos.

********

Definition of disgusting?
Shoving 7 oysters up your grandma and sucking out 8.

************

A woman is in a coma. While washing her intimate parts, a nurse notices a slight pulse. She calls her husband, and explains to him,
" ... so I have a theory that if such slight stimulation can give her a pulse, oral sex just may wake her up completely!"
"Well ok, I'll try, if it helps her," says the man.
The nurses wait for him outside the room. All of a sudden, they hear the woman's pulse go flat, and rush in the room to see the man buttoning his pants. With a confused look on his face, he says, "Yeah, I think I might have choked her."

*********


What's better than four gold medals at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.

*******

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Chuck your washing in.

*********

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: ’Can I have a beer Grandpa?’

Grandpa replies: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

The little boy answered: ’No Grandpa. It’s just a little pecker’.

Gramps says: ’Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer’.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: ’Can I have a cigar Grandpa?’

Once again, Grandpa asks: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

Once again the little boy replies, ’No, it’s too little’.

Gramps replies, ’Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar’.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, ’Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?’

The boy ask, ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

Gramps replies , ’Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass’.

The little boy replies, ’Then go fuck yourself’. Grandma made these for me’

********

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. He immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

********

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

25 comments:

THE SNEE said...

Oh Dear! The brutal truth is out. As 'erudite' as I like to think I am, I laughed anyway, or perhaps I grimaced. Either way, where do people come up with this s--t!!! Even my brain can't, and that's actually a bit surprising, wouldn't you say?

Well done keeping up with the April pace Kelly! I'm enjoying the variety and the writing. It's fun to see where your interests travel.

ResCogitans said...

why did the little girl fall off the swing?
she had no arms.


what's brown and taps at the window?
1. a nosy shit
2. a baby in a microwave

lol keep em coming kelly :)

klahanie said...

Kelly,
Oh my, once again, you have topped yourself, in the nicest possible way, with this collection of sickly jokes. I liked them very much and once again, this fucking worries me :)
A 20 inch penis? Didn't realise some guys had such small dicks....And before I go fuck myself and speaking of 'icing' on the sofa, the goddam 'wee folks' left some creamy surprises on my sofa. Sofa, so bad....And before I go eat some rotting pussy here's a silly Royal joke n' stuff. Kinda' dated, but do I fucking care? Do I heck. Why does Prince Charles have a purple penis? Obviously, from sticking it in 'Di'.....

G said...

ooooo some of those jokes are just sick...especially the two bums. Made me smile on a Monday - so all good :)

Lost.in.Idaho said...

I also heard the epileptic bathtub joke with Michael J Fox in it as well.

...too soon?

The Minute Man's Wife said...

Well, I won't be able to eat oysters ever again!

BTW, I gave you an award because you're so damn awesome!

Annabelle said...

"oh no, never found her head" - Best punchline EVER!

I have been sorely deficient in my tasteless humor...thank you Wife of the Minute Man for this link.

The Wolf said...

Dude some of those are fucking sick.....nice job

Anonymous said...

The charming Sir Tom Eagerly says:
Kelly, are there no depths to which you would not sink? Good!
There's nothing like a bit of depravity with one's breakfast.
I shall tell Prince Williams about the cndoms when I bump into him next.
Jolly good wheeze!

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Oooh... when you say those big words like 'erudite', I just get so excited and stuff that I have to go milk a bull. lol. Whatever that means. Nah, I have no idea where people come up with this- Ah, who the hell am I kidding? I know where. It comes cleanly and neatly out of warped, depraved creative genius minds like mine. Good lordy, I am heaven sent. :) Or maybe the other direction. Seriously, though, Rebecca, I thank you for your continued support by commenting on my posts. I've done pretty good so far, I think. Even with some moderately heavy stuff going on in the background in my life. Glad you're enjoying the posts and the reveals of my interests. Take care and stay tuned. I think you'll really dig my next post.

Kelly said...

ResCogitans- What a lovely joke. Oh, that poor lil' armless girl. How I cry for thee. I think I just farted.

It sounds like a song going through my head right now. Let's all sing along, shall we?

Who's that tappin' at the window?
It's a near dead baby, that's who it is

Who's getting a free ride on the rotating plate?
Why it's that same baby- in my microwave (giggle)

(guitar solo)

THE SNEE said...

Oh Kelly! You made me hold my sides laughing till they SPLIT with the first part of that response! Now where did I put the duct tape?

Kelly said...

klahanie- I'm feeling particularly cold-blooded this morning. I don't know what it is, for sure. Maybe it's the lack of sleep the last couple of days. Excuse me for a moment. I gotta scratch this itch. MMmMmm. Yeah. That's it. There now. All done. Who wants to smell my goddamn finger?

Damn it, Gary, every dude has a 20 inch wang. How many times must you be told? Don't feel sad that yours is only 19 and 1/4 inches. It will be okay. Jesus still loves you.

Yeah, I think it's safe to say we all have a lil' frosting on our furniture these days, don't we? I like your purple penis/Princess Diana joke. Sweet. :) Take care, friend.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Ah, you again, Rebecca... Long time- no hear from. lol. Just kidding. Like I was saying to Gary, in my response to his comment here... I'm in a naughty mood, today. Here, let me help you wrap your sides. I've got some handy dandy duct tape I keep in the drawer for some rather interesting episodes down in my dungeon. TMI? You betcha! Tee hee.

Kelly said...

G- Glad you enjoy the wholesome entertainment I provide around here. There's plenty more CUMING up- so stay tuned, my Bar Science friend.

Kelly said...

Lost.in.Idaho- Never too soon, my friend. Reminds me of the Family Guy episode last night where Fox is shaking wine all over Peter. Wait. That didn't sound right. :)

Kelly said...

The Minute Man's Wife- Not even oyster dressing with the special goo? :) Hey, MMW, thank you for the award. I appreciate it. I've got it on the site, already and plan on posting about it later today. Take care!

Kelly said...

Annabelle- Glad you enjoyed this delightful, wholesome post and I welcome you, if this is your first time here, to the Psycho Carnival. Not that the others aren't welcome. lol. I farted.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Thanks, dude. A job worth doing is worth doing disgustingly well. Now excuse me, kind sir, while I wank to a picture of a headless corpse.

Kelly said...

Sir Tom- It's true. You are so charming that everyone is talking about that in The States, here. My advice is to keep far at bay or the adoring fans will likely take advantage of your good charming self. Goodness!

Glad you enjoyed the jokes, my friend. And no, there is no bottom for me. Just like I said to my girlfriend on one occasion before I gave her the big ol' Kelly beef... "I'm gonna knock the BOTTOM OUT OF IT, Bitch!" And so I did. And so I spooged. Ahh. I like to share.

PorkStar said...

LMFAO wow, the cat, especially had me gagging lol

Kelly said...

PorkStar- If only the bum had put a dollop of sour cream on top of the hot cat meal. Then it would have been delicious! :)

DocStout said...

I'd only heard a few of these before, and a couple actually made me wince! Good job!

Kelly said...

DocStout- Thanks, man. I enjoy causing folks to wince... and projectile vomit, whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Anonymous said...

A variation of your first joke - why did Sally fall off the swings? She had no arms

Knock knock
Who's there
Not sally

Related Posts with Thumbnails

  © Blogger template ProBlogger Template by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP