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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Pop goes the penis!

So I offered to be a guest on this blog. I was so excited when Kelly emailed me and told me I could be his Bitch for the day. So here I am on my knees typing to you.

Today you all are going to be in for a treat. Why you ask? Well because I am going to talk about my ex boyfriend’s Penis.

So “Sam” and I dated for about 6 months. I don’t know if I stayed with him so long because I was lonely, or because he took me out to dinner a lot. It is not like we even really had that great of a connection. He was a complete nerd and was into the whole “Dungeons and Dragons” kind of shit! My idea of a fun time is not role playing that I am some kind of fucking wizard or some weird shit like that. Now if you want me to role play that I am your nurse or your whore of a French maid than sign me up!

Sam was into his looks way more than I would have liked. He took more time to get ready than I did. He was so worried about his appearance, that it became so draining to constantly reassure him. Low self esteem in a man is such a turn off! One of the things that really turned me off is when he would dye his own hair because it was going gray and he would have stained black dye marks running down his neck.

Now to the Penis part. Sam had a nice sized penis when it was hard. When hard it was about 7 inches. But when he was soft he turned into a pencil dick. I have never seen a penis so small and skinny as his was when it was soft. It didn’t help his confidence either when I would giggle every time I saw it.

Well one night Sam had called me on the phone and told me he saw an infomercial on male enhancement products. I told him “Babe, don’t worry about it, you are fine.” Well he was an idiot, and did not listen to me. He ended up buying the pills they were selling, along with a penis pump.

I think products like this are just ridicules! I sold sex products for a while and we use to sell this one gel that would make the vagina hole tighter for a couple of hours. Don’t ask me how this stuff worked all I know is that it worked like a charm. You are only supposed to use a small dot sized of the gel. I explained this to one of the ladies I sold this too. What a stupid bitch she was. She squeezed the whole tube up inside her and then called me complaining that she could not even get a finger inside herself let alone a tampon.

Well I had gone over to Sam’s house one day and he was showing me his penis pump. I told him, “You know, I wish you would not use this thing. It is kind of a turn off.” He went on telling me how he would feel better to just use it a couple of more times and then he would get rid of it. So I just let it go and figured it was between him and the pump.

Well Sam was a liar. He did not get rid of it. He got so attached to that thing! It was like crack. He could not get enough! He started to take things to a whole new level and started pumping it more than is required. I told him that I did not think doing that would be a good idea because it was starting to turn his penis a purple color. He was an idiot though and kept on with it. He put his penis in the pump once again and started pumping away about as fast as a fat girl can eat a hamburger. His penis started turning purple. It was not looking right. His head and scrotum started to turn blue. I was all “Um… you might want to stop!” He kept pumping like the fucking idiot he was. I did not know if I should keep watching or turn away. I wanted to yell out, “Stop you moron! What kind of fucking wizard are you!!” All while picturing him wearing a wizard hat of course.

All I hear is, Pump, pump, pump” I am thinking “holy shit this is not going to be good!” His penis did not look right. This tube was only so big and there was no more room for his penis to expand, and right as I am standing there thinking about all that could go wrong I hear a SNAP! The penis pump tore the tip of his penis open! It is kind of like when you put a hot dog in a microwave and it tears open. Yep that is what Sam’s dick looked like!

Of course he starts crying like a son of a bitch. What a turn off! I took that fucking pump out of his hand and threw it away. I thought” This is fucking bullshit! I am dating a loser!” I ended up leaving and going home. I don’t have time for that kind of shit on my watch!

About a year ago Sam saw me on face book and wrote me a letter. He told me how he got married and he has 5 kids now and is miserable and how he wishes things would have worked out between us. I could not help but think in the back of my mind if his new wife knows about his escapades with his penis pump or not.

The point of this story is, keep your penis away from pumps. If not, at least stop pumping when you see the color purple or blue. Or even hear a SNAP for that matter.

I hope you all enjoyed my story. If you like what you see than check out my blog @

picklesinmyass.blogspot.com

- - Love Mrs. Pickle

14 comments:

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Um, eeps? I'm crying a little. Poor penis.

And his sounds like mine. I'm a grower, not a shower. When flaccid, it looks like a tater tot...

The Minute Man's Wife said...

OMG! This was SO funny! "It was between him and the pump!" Ahhahahaha!

Obviously you suffer from severe awesomeness!

Coffeypot said...

I wonder if it's too late to cancel my order? Blue and purple on my dick is not what I'm looking for. I prefer to see wet pink on it.

The Wolf said...

What happened to just inserting a steel rod in there..........what nobody else does that?

GEM said...

Hi Mrs Pickle

Thank you for livening up Kelly's dormant blog..:)
How on earth did your ex manage to go on and father 5 kids after his explosive accident??
I couldn't help but laugh and wince at the same time!

Take Care
GEM

Pickleope said...

You know something horrible is coming when you're reading this and start hoping "please be scrotal trauma, please be scrotal trauma." Sadly no.
Great guest post! I'll have a hard time trying to keep pace with that when I do my own guest spot.

Kelly said...

Great post, Mrs. Pickle!

It was sordid, educational and horrifically humorous all in one easily digestible setting. Thank you for your kind and heartwarming offering. Your descriptions of your ex bf's exploits made me laugh and hold my family jewels, as well. Your ex bf was an idiot, indeed. You would think after his pecker turned purple and his nuts became blue, he would have stopped. Hell, after his penis popped, why didn't he just take a meat tenderizer to what was left of his junk and throw it on the grill?

I, too, am amazed at how he was able to have 5 kids after that fiasco. The fact that you sold sex toys and the bit about the super pussy tightener episode was hilarious, too. Thank you so much for doing this terrific post, Mrs. Pickle. I owe you.

Annabelle said...

Nice guest posting Mrs P!

I once have a guy one of those simulated dick suckers. I was a hostess at one of those parties and had all my toys...and hey, I'm a giver. It was more for a gag (pun intended) than as a me substitute. I have no idea if he took it for a spin, but now I'm just grateful he didn't pop his dick.

Kelly said...

@Minute Man's Wife- Thought I'd let you know I finally got over to your blog late tonight and got my award from you. Thank you, sincerely. Left a comment on the post.

LilPixi said...

This was fucking hilarious!! I dated a pretty similar type of nerd. Did Sam have to go to the hospital?

What a funny fuckin' story!

The Angry Lurker said...

If I played D&D I'd give them up for you.

Mrs. Pickle said...

No Sam did not have to go to the hospital. He probably should have though. I think he might have been too embarrassed.

Greg said...

Informative, perhaps they should put a warning label on the pump. Watch for exploding dick?

THE SNEE said...

I'm definitely frightened! It was so nice of you to step in for Kelly during his bloggy sabbatical!

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